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From
Night Owl, Bangkok Post.
. Late
week, specifically Friday and Saturday, many locally employed walking
ATM machines will come to your bar. Choose carefully! Some have
money, but others do not! If he is wearing a suit and tie, check
that the tie is not a Pratunam special and check that he isn't wearing
tennis shoes.
If either of these are in the affirmative, forget him because he
is likely an English teacher, and they will give you peanuts _ that
is if they give you anything at all.
.
No matter how fat and ugly he is, no matter how bad he may smell,
no matter how drunk he is, make sure you always tell him how handsome
he is. Sit close to him and run your hands over his body, arousing
him.
As soon as he has paid the bar
fine, you can stand clear of him. Even if he knows that you despise
his ugly butt, he'll still pay you. The hard part is getting him
to pay the bar, and as soon as you have done that, the rest is easy.
.
Start collecting email addresses from all of your customers. And
once you have a good collection of addresses, a visit to your local
Internet cafe is in order. All of those email addressees should
be sent an email. Simply change the name on each email and send
it off to all of the guys. If you can remember something specific
about them, mention that in the email too.
These walking ATMs all have a soft
heart, so you need to tell them a story to get them to send you
some of their riches. Start with a sick buffalo and if he doesn't
reply, next tell him that your mother is sick. As a last resort,
if he still doesn't send any money, tell him you are pregnant and
the baby is his!
.
Practice crying on cue. It is essential that you can produce tears
immediately. This will have the effect of helping the walking ATM
machine to see things your way!
.
When you get a customer for an extended period of time, make sure
he takes you shopping, with rarn tong (gold shop) the best place
to visit. Make sure he buys you gold and if he doesn't, see rule
4! As soon as he has left Thailand, take the gold back to the shop
and sell it straight back to them, thus increasing your pay out.
.
When locally based farangs are inside the bars, do not speak in
Thai with your friends in the bar but rather use Lao, Khmer or any
other dialects that you may know.
It's bad enough that some of them
can speak and even read Thai, but Lao and Khmer should be kept as
sacrosanct. Under no circumstances should the farang be taught our
regional dialects.
.
Always see him off at the airport. Thai currency cannot be used
in his country, so it is highly likely that he will give you all
of his leftover baht as he leaves and says goodbye.
While accompanying him to the airport,
prevent him buying going-away gifts for his family and friends in
his homeland. Which leaves more for you.
.
See Asian customers. They understand that we like to gamble, and
they understand that we have lots of unemployed brothers and sisters
who need to eat. Therefore, they pay a lot better than the farangs.
.
Remember, when you get paid, you must always ask for taxi money
and give him the excuse that taxi drivers cannot give change on
big notes. Don't let him see the small change in your wallet. If
taxi money isn't forthcoming, see rule 4.
.
If you are no longer making money in Bangkok, move down to Phuket
where you will be able to start making money again. Give Phuket
a few years, then move on to Pattaya. Even if you are approaching
50, it is no problem as the walking ATM machines seem to be blind
in Pattaya.
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